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1.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车，后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。
2.Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
你永远不能战胜一个纯傻子，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他的水平，然后用丰富的经验打败你。
3.We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
在咱们这噶哒送外卖的都比警察来得快。
4.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
世界总是在变，但我却怎么也便不出来。
意译：人生何处不杯具，唯有面对饮水机。
5.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
如果4/5的人在忍受腹泻的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事？很享受吗？
6.Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个篮子。
7.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
无论，在任何情况下，永远，不要在一个夜晚，同时吃安眠药和通便灵。
8.I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
老子拼死拼活奋斗到食物链顶端，不是为了成为一个素食者。
9.Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。
10.Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
直译：对你的问题哈哈大笑吧，别人都在这么做。
意译：你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。
11.God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱傻子，不然他造这么多！
12.The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
直译：小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。
直译a：起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。
意译b：贾君鹏这名字就为了让他妈喊他回家吃饭！
13.Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
直译：不要用眼镜腿来打男人，用棒球击杆。
意译: 要下手就得狠，甭来毛毛雨。
14.A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
电视侮辱你的智商，电脑则是吐你槽的终极存在！
15.72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
担忧真的好使！！老子担心的事儿90%都没发生！！
16.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
直译：外交家们说让你下地狱的时候，措辞也好像你正巴不得来这么趟旅行。 | 
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